"You have less than a year to live" a doctor said. His patient asks if there is anything she can do, to which the doctor replies "go out and marry a CPA as soon as possible". "Will that help me live longer?" she queries. The doctor answers "no, but it will seem longer."

it's ok to laugh, it's just a joke (she didn't really marry an accountant)

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?" "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

What do you get when you cross a riddle with a rhetorical question?

wait for it...

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

it's funny because it's true

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud-wrestling with a pig; after a while you realize that the pig enjoys it.

the only dirty joke on here, I promise

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

badump, bomp

Interesting fact - 87.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

huh? huh?

I visited a psychic the other day. When I sat down, she asked my name. So I left.

tell me you saw that one coming

Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts "Oh! I forgot to feed the dog."

so funny it makes me drool

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" asks the bartender. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

nunc ista ecce salsissimus

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers please!"

this might take I minute or II

Helium walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve noble gasses here". Helium doesn't react.

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

trohs dna teews

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says "we'll serve you, but don't start anything".

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says "sorry bud, we don't serve food in here".

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "hey pal, why the long face?".

A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?".

A seal walks into a club...

Nanook's favorite joke

Courier, Gothic and Sans Serif walk into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve your type in here".

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We have a drink named after you” and the grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Steve?”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

oh!

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

true story

A programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

if you get it, then yeah! else, nevermind

It's hard for kleptomaniacs to get puns. Why? They take things literally.

ok, I stole that one from another page

A woman gets on the bus with her baby and the driver says "that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen". The woman is fuming as she sits down on the bus. A man next to her says "that was rude, you should go tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you".

I dare you not to laugh

I told my doctor, "I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'". He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common?" I asked. He replied "It's not unusual...".

now that song will be stuck in your head. You're welcome.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

they can't all be winners

What happens when you give Viagra to a CPA? He grows taller!

I tried Viagra the other day but it got stuck in my throat. I had a stiff neck for three days.

hard joke to swallow

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

write in Tom Roden, seriously - I would make a great Miss Texas

My wife found a spider in the bathtub and asked me to take it out instead of killing it. So we went to the movies.

cool dude, wants to be a web-designer

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

for proof of this one, visit your congressperson

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

wait, what were we talking about?

I was going to put a construction site joke here, but I'm still working on it.

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says "give me some Chap-Stick. And put it on my bill".

A woman walks into the pharmacy and says "I need to buy some poison to kill my husband". The pharmacist says "madam, I can't sell you poison to kill your husband"! The lady shows the pharmacist a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife, to which he replies "oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription".

A man tried to sell me a coffin the other day. I told him "that's the last thing I need".

A dung beetle walks up to the bar and asks, "is this stool taken?"

potty humor! - still funny after all these years

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon........

I'll let you know.

I don't believe in reincarnation any more now than I did when I was a hamster.

What do you call five rabbits walking backward? "A receding hare line."

England has no kidney bank but does have a Liverpool.

hey, I didn't say they were all winners

A cartoonist was found dead in his office. Details are sketchy.

wait, I don't get it

French pancakes are scary, they give me the crepes.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? She lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

AMAZINGLY, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: • 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. • 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. • 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. • 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. • 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH. • 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. • 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. • THOUGHT for the day: • SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.